Category: Stream of Thought

I am designed to love, and it is up to me to decide who is worthy for me to invest in and support wholeheartedly as a woman who has earned this choosing.

What we seek in dreams and fantasies may look different in reality – yet, it may have the strength to last beyond a lifetime.

Four years of facial exercises after thyroid weightloss drop and various hardships and my face is beginning to look like myself, again.

It’s been a challenging journey.

Hello beautiful.

In order to individuate despite pressures of societal messaging, I developed away from trends of mainstream to where with current media conformitism, it remains hard to “fit in.”

But, being a clone was overrated to begin with.

I think I would have them no matter the situation.

I mean, don’t we all have some standard insecurities?

It’s finding partnership I can trust to be able to work through these.

Some things just don’t present, unless challenged.

One thing about surviving innovatively is that you don’t often cross paths with similar manifesters because you are all busy creating in your own scenes.

While dealing with this mess and clearing debris, I am beginning to reach out and make contacts.

Gravity becomes a heavy reality, and there is much scurrying to find cover while hunkering for recovery.

Walking the girls downtown, I give off an air of independence and confidence, cocooned in our rhythmic jaunting and the patterns of their movements.

I try to feel the openness of each moment as I catch brief glimpses of others passing by while they socialize meeting friends and dates or partners.

Looking up at the sky in wonder, I take in the blue-gray panoramas, pausing the hounds to coordinate some pictures.

I try to push aside the deep, abiding ache of ever present loneliness that tries to swallow me and tell me it has always been – and will always be this way.

Is it strange that my imagination plays vibrant scenerios which have little relativity to what I am doing right now?

It’s like having a case of the “Walter Mitty’s” – only, somehow I believe it is possible that these dreams can become realities.

It requires timing and action to come to surface.

These last ten years were about surviving, not thriving.

How do I reclaim lost time and revitalize my paradigm?

I hear much about manifesting the reality and people, things, circumstances I desire as if they are already mine.

But, if the object is a person, what about their own free will determination? And what if what I want belongs to someone else? And how do I “belong” in desired circumstances?

I have been playing with this concept today upon realizing my mind has become bored and despondent.

As long as one focuses on what they do not have, pining for it in expectation that the gaining of it will make them happy, they are forever suspended in suffering or anedonia (for example) until they obtain it.

A person can desire and quest for something they value for their entire life, yet never find it.

Therefore, I need to have such things diminish in their weight if I am to survive the journey in better cheer than being strapped to a gurney.

These things can still maintain my focus, but I must also focus on what I have currently – and maximize the benefits.

Pretending to have the attributes of a good man to propagate wrong deeds does not make a good person.

I would like to think that by now I have “got it all together.”

But, the truth is, I am still in shock by how things turned out, finding myself here after my previous life’s earnest endeavors.

Turning fifty-one is like starting all over again, finding myself in new terrain – and with experience which may or may not apply.

What still matters keenly is claiming my life’s purpose and cultivating good relationships with others while seeking my life mate.

In this respect, not much about me has changed – just the playing board and the various players.

Love must not be constrained nor limited to categories.

March 2019 – Snowmageddon

March 2020 – Pandemic lockdown

March 2021 – Lost job due to COVID

March 2022 – Twitchy in the sunshine

It is disheartening when the sensation revisits.

When can I be done with it?

I finished finalizing the yard fencing set up; got the outdoor stationary bike system positioned; redistributed and leveled the yard’s wood chips; gathered, tossed, and staged what we are throwing away; and rearranged the plants around the outside of the fence.

It helps to attain complex project completion.

Stuck vexation wells up in quiet, explosive curses walking on uneven, shifting terrain that mitigates balance while working on cobbling together what once was homestead fencing.

Past negative association accumulated from living on a mountain in dangerous circumstances with little on-site support – yet intense and condemning criticism from afar by others’ unrealistic expectations.

I will admit it.

I don’t pursue these things as hard, anymore.

For once I plug one hole – another springs a leak.

I figure if I go slow and keep pressure at a lowered, more consistent level, my immunity and adrenals can recover.

“Burning the candle at both ends” is just going out of my style.

I want a better life paradigm.

Maintaining treading water through grinding poverty gets overwhelming and exhausting.

Truthfully, I am done with it.

Just tired of fighting agencies for paymemts due or against others’ bad intentions.

Just tired of being a warrior for empty causes when there is so much more I could be doing and contributing.

I mean, yeah – survival is a baseline cause worth championing.

But, I am a gladiator of re-imagining.

My innovative efforts and abilities are being wasted navigating this cess pool of beaurocratic inception malarkey.

Our boat having landed in a place to replenish resources, I find it is much more important to invest in rest and recovery than to promote deep roots growing into this new soil.

This is a good place and a good community, but it feels like I am three years behind any original goals. And having worked hard to expand upon my previous skillsets, there is a hunger in me to experience life in total as More.

There are collapsing boxes to empty, payments to chase, fraud account wreckage to deflect, and general daily operations to continue while seeking items which keep us functioning.

I wonder how much of this “housekeeping” is required before I begin feeling lighter and can attend to the front of my bow’s desires, rather than worrying about integrity of the hull.

I am restless to claim my dream opportunities, and struggle to prioritize these seemingly menial trivialites which by completing make me stronger in my ability to greet this new future.

When worthy dreams become reality.

The signature markers were there from the beginning – and have only grown.

It is difficult as a woman to realize that technically the days are diminishing more rapidly now where I could still have children.

I know that females are designed so that we may carry young in the body’s prime for gestation.

But, as I am still vital, I do not agree with predefined limitations.

Is it natural for man and woman to debate over how hearts should be nourished and governed, or are we supposed to seek “perfect” compatibility?

Can it be enough to share common foundational values, passionate interests, and enthusiasm in life’s aspirations with willingness to learn, love, and grow together?

Protector of love – and its flame.

(Content of multiple meanings)

The more I engage in teaching English fluency, the more I am enthralled with and excited by language.

Language is sound elevated into a type of music which connects and conveys emotions and conceptual meaning.

It is a way for us to bridge to each other.

I had mentioned before how mandatory masks perhaps made it easier for introverts to come out into public.

Having worn a mask for two years, I now feel exposed when I do not wear one – like a hermit crab exposed without its shell.

When we are where we belong, positivity attracts.

Solid ground to define water and embrace sky.

How do I quantify a day’s worth in activities when all lead to the same conclusion of empty resolution?

I have stated I am this, before.

I crave to be around people who share my interests and aspirations.

I am in search of maximum congruency and compatibility.

A drawback to being a wave runner who pierces barriers so next generations can come through more easily is that I relate to people 10 years or more younger than me – and they just take note that I am older, rather than seeing my depths in their entirety.

For the man of my dreams to manifest on this plane of reality, it takes not only the Will of God and wild magic, but his strength’s Belief and honest candor.

It is not easy to be open-hearted when on a perilous journey.

Mildly directed, rather than frenetic-deflected, seems best when indicated from events’ implications.

The heart may not rest, when wasted.

Is it just hubris and pride – all over, again?

On one side is complete illusion, telling me what I want to hear.

On the other side may be The Promise, but “the ghost” keeps it unclear.

If we would give it, true love would not be so hard to come by

I learn something more about myself from the event – and pick myself back up again, looking for what I can salvage.

My feet have been set upon a path – a soul’s quest – which I have known from the beginning.

I came here to love, and to share love with the world, and to do this with my soul mate.

If it hurts like heck to put the bones back into alignment, only to have them slide out easily again because I cannot obtain the therapies that I offer to release muscle spasms to keep the adjustment, why continue trying?

It is so easy for everything to just slip back out of place back into the old, grinding pain when old tension patterns cannot receive new programming.

At every stage of risk, I put myself forward with trust and vulnerability.

At some point, it no longer matters if I am betrayed or disappointed.

Apparently, there’s much of this propagated in our current reality.

But, every time I reach for more with honesty, I reaffirm myself.

So, even with incurring further losses, I come out still winning.

Having taken a journey into the realms of deeper love, I had happily allowed the wind to carry me from my solid ground footing.

I am still floating above it – and quite happy. For being earthbound in mire and toil had become quite depressing.

I know that I have been experiencing living while dreaming what the reality could truly be like – and it made who I am all the better for it.

If only dreams could manifest into reality, who would I become then?

I look forward to the experience.

“1010 is viewed by most numerologists as a mystical number. The meaning of the number 1010 is to encourage individuals to be their very best versions of themselves through positive vibrations, following their hearts, listening to their inner wisdom, and making choices based upon love instead of fear.”

The Meaning of Angel Number 1010