Category: Stream of Thought

Is what I am capable of providing really so hard to match – and even surpass so that my partner and I continue in mutually beneficial growing?

There actually IS a limit to what my mind can endure over what matters.

(Play on phrase, “mind over matter”)

I guess faith that a good man would be here for me longterm is just something I no longer have to extend, having given it to my marriage, then to my fiance – and then to the unknown identity person who recently took advantage of me.

Will I ever get it back? This is something that perplexes me.

I am not used to my optimism being less than empty.

Stepping back and letting the rest of the world vie for resources so they can address their own crisis.

We have ants coming into our bathroom and my pants with belt were on the floor, so I gave them a good whip-crack to dislodge any ants that may have climbed onto them.

Now I have a red welt mark on my left inner thigh from the belt buckle.

Apparently, I am still learning my own “Strength In Power” capabilities.

(Is this last quoted texr now a TM? Lol.)

Having exchanged pictures, I now have “before” and “progressing” views showing me that my muscle toning efforts are coming along nicely.

My puppy ate my new undergarments…how can I not laugh at the absurdity?

They say to mask and hide what we feel and need.

But, if we do this, how can solutions find us?

I will still show up, but I won’t compete.

I am still swinging away and hacking at the vines…just not as quickly and effectively.

Taxes will be late if I do not complete them.

I likely can’t get back UI money lost – unless I sue them.

While timeline to collect on a patient’s claim is expiring, getting our cars registered and mine at last towed off my parents’ property for closure has become priority.

Classes I have paid for are lapsing – but, the mountains I keep climbing are very tiring.

Even when it was “worse,” I still fought to keep up.

Now I’m just wiped: Enough is Enough!

All of my efforts seem to have been thwarted, including intro and resume letters being sent back as “undeliverable as addressed” after being slit-on-sides open.

I know that “The Best of The Best” praise the concept of “keep trying” (which has always been my motto) – but, honestly, I feel rended apart as if at the cusp of a blackhole’s tidal forces, making my allegiences feel divided.

If there were a way to have my family nearby and accessible so that I could still tend to and nourish them while I participate in my greatest dreams, this would be my ideal solution.

But, to choose either/or when we are still just now recovering seems foolhardy – especially when my every attempt to bridge is being deflected.

I may not be an idealic fantasy, but I am a genuine friend.

The fact that my pictures come out as well as they do is “nothing short of a miracle” as my outdated phone offers no consistency and even now resists focusing.

What would my captured images be like if I had excellent tech with adjustable detail and day-to-night lighting options?

While speaking with my best childhood friend and going through broken down boxes, I found my car title which has eluded for 5 years or more and began transferring stuff to new boxes so new associations take place over old.

Then, I got to speak with my eldest and grandchild, and then spent time with youngesr while making banana pancakes and chicken marsala to finish up a lovely stay-at-home day.

“GOOD THINGS ARE COMING MY WAY.”

From The Law Of Attraction Solutions (Fun, supportive people)

If it isn’t going to come to me, I must create it.

Be a “Goddess” and Rock my Independence.

I will begin branching out, looking to support theatre and film crews while I apply to work for select individuals in addition to my current job.

I got pretty good at navigating agencies – whether educational, community, or governmental.

It’s just that without my core family, and barely hanging on by a thread prolongedly, the desire to keep pushing boulders up a hill has left me.

My thinking about things while reserving reaction, inwardly mirthing at life’s chaos.

Time lag suppression pausing (duck and hunker auto reactivion) between thinking and speaking due to past abuse to the head and body if/when attempted to soeak out loud in childhood.

It’s kind of crazy how the early formative years return and haunt when buffers in adulthood are stripped away.

Yet, thus can become an opportunity to change such limitations now into advantages by pushing beyond prior threshholds into new behaviors.

Speach therapy? Acting class? Reading aloud poetry?

What venue will yield most benefits and activate smooth synaptic conveyance?

Is it merely about building confidence?

Loss of ability to understand or express speech, caused by brain damage.

From Oxford Languages.

I am getting pretty good at conveying articulate thoughts and fun responses upon visual intake to written output.

However, immediate verbal externalization from perceptual environmental intake still requires processing time and/or feeling comfortable during personal interactions.

Perhaps this just means I need more practice.

I was watching a video recently which described obsession as like being caught in a trance.

I wasn’t worried about being obsessed – but realize I have been caught in a trance:

Trauma-drama; focus on project after project completion; isolation reinforcing isolation; and a whole lot of internal negative messaging of “though shalt nots” are trying to keep me “on the fence.”

There is something magical to at last lying down in the evening and letting the self release the weight of obligations and duties that it has been carrying.

I have to say…it does not take the pain away.

When pain wracks my system from physical therapy retriggering migraine spasms, tension strains every fiber of my being.

We reach for the most “impossible” dreams – and because we do, we sometimes achieve them.

While others focus upon great deeds, popularity, looks, and achievements, I look deeper into the matrix which connects all of this together.

Who is the man behind the scenes? What does he truly value and ascribe toward being? And, do these aspects align with my values and beliefs?

“All I know is that I have been guided to connect with you.”

If this is what I choose to do, and these things are whar I choose to pursue, I must no longer listen to doubts nor allow self recriminations.

To stave off loneliness, we fill our heads with it.

In our home quad’s sanctuary, many birds of wild and domestic variety now gather to usher in spring with their boisterous songs and warbling.

I am finding that I like lighting along the kitchen that sources from under chin level and points down onto the counters.

This creates a calm, relaxed ambience with no light bombarding my head, yet I can easily see what I am cleaning and/or prepping.

This also creates a sense of safe, private intimacy for the romantic in me.

I have to do a hard reset detachment to get my mind to let go of these difficult projects after reengaging.

None of them are straight forward and often lead down convoluted pathways defying completion.

I am designed to love, and it is up to me to decide who is worthy for me to invest in and support wholeheartedly as a woman who has earned this choosing.

What we seek in dreams and fantasies may look different in reality – yet, it may have the strength to last beyond a lifetime.

Four years of facial exercises after thyroid weightloss drop and various hardships and my face is beginning to look like myself, again.

It’s been a challenging journey.

Hello beautiful.

In order to individuate despite pressures of societal messaging, I developed away from trends of mainstream to where with current media conformitism, it remains hard to “fit in.”

But, being a clone was overrated to begin with.

I think I would have them no matter the situation.

I mean, don’t we all have some standard insecurities?

It’s finding partnership I can trust to be able to work through these.

Some things just don’t present, unless challenged.

One thing about surviving innovatively is that you don’t often cross paths with similar manifesters because you are all busy creating in your own scenes.

While dealing with this mess and clearing debris, I am beginning to reach out and make contacts.

Gravity becomes a heavy reality, and there is much scurrying to find cover while hunkering for recovery.

Walking the girls downtown, I give off an air of independence and confidence, cocooned in our rhythmic jaunting and the patterns of their movements.

I try to feel the openness of each moment as I catch brief glimpses of others passing by while they socialize meeting friends and dates or partners.

Looking up at the sky in wonder, I take in the blue-gray panoramas, pausing the hounds to coordinate some pictures.

I try to push aside the deep, abiding ache of ever present loneliness that tries to swallow me and tell me it has always been – and will always be this way.

Is it strange that my imagination plays vibrant scenerios which have little relativity to what I am doing right now?

It’s like having a case of the “Walter Mitty’s” – only, somehow I believe it is possible that these dreams can become realities.

It requires timing and action to come to surface.

These last ten years were about surviving, not thriving.

How do I reclaim lost time and revitalize my paradigm?

I hear much about manifesting the reality and people, things, circumstances I desire as if they are already mine.

But, if the object is a person, what about their own free will determination? And what if what I want belongs to someone else? And how do I “belong” in desired circumstances?

I have been playing with this concept today upon realizing my mind has become bored and despondent.

As long as one focuses on what they do not have, pining for it in expectation that the gaining of it will make them happy, they are forever suspended in suffering or anedonia (for example) until they obtain it.

A person can desire and quest for something they value for their entire life, yet never find it.

Therefore, I need to have such things diminish in their weight if I am to survive the journey in better cheer than being strapped to a gurney.

These things can still maintain my focus, but I must also focus on what I have currently – and maximize the benefits.

Pretending to have the attributes of a good man to propagate wrong deeds does not make a good person.