When I find a spark between me and another person and extend them my friendship, I automatically discover where they need healing – and find that I can provide a piece of the puzzle that they have been missing and/or seeking.
But, when I try to arrange for my own needs, I end up supporting them more than they can actually help me.
It can feel like a bit of a let down on my own quest for healing to not get much receiving.
But, as a healer, at least I get to do what I am here for.
I am beginning to feel that I have Choice, again.
More so perhaps than I ever have before – and between more good than bad.
*Sigh*
“It’s been a long time coming…”
I begin teaching again, doing a little work, and making a new friend.
But, I know what love is for – and how to take it higher.
I will share love, joy, and deep bonding where the sparks happen, and people are willing.
We are all meant for more happiness than we have been allowed.
With healthy boundaries and heartfelt embracing – it’s time to start Living!
Taking turns leading and supporting in a thriving, intimate relationship – what would this be like?
I’ve gotten so close before, but have never been fully invited through the door.
I had desired to have more children of my own.
But, I also know that doing so is complicated.
There is a lot of good work needed in the world.
My partner and I must share a mutual dynamic.
I have one client tomorrow, out of a potential of six.
“Lo though I suffer the little deaths, I shall rise again…”
I got both pups out today, individually.
So proud me walking with each and connecting in harmony.
When I am about to slip, something steps in to divert me.
Which is good because I am tired of being so darn diligent!
I am witty in my own, weirdly fun way…
The one on the right is flying on its back with wings outstretched behind it, neck curled up and looking at the other flying at it from the left with feet extended forward as they are cavorting.
I wrestle with with what to say, here.
Respect for others’ privacy ranks as high priority.
And yet, the parts that define who I am must be seen.
After having trouble uploading my documents into the rental assistance application website login where administration requested 4 times that I resend the same things, we had one final step to complete for our application to at last be processed.
But, when I went back in to finish this bit, now the system will not let me proceed because it has changed over into wanting 2021 tax info, instead of 2020’s already prepared.
Employers have until the end of January to issue this data – and mine are waiting until then, if they even follow through with doing so, depending on whether they in their own convenience considered me an “employee” or an “independent contractor” with given variances.
This amounts to our being stuck in administrative processing, getting nowhere again.
“Equally wretched are the meek, and the strong.”
I find I linger when in either because there is where I have privacy, and no one expects something of me.
Once I am “up” or “out,” “Game on!” influences vie for my attentions and pull at me.
I need external reinforcement of my boundaries.
I prefer to avoid it in other people because I am battling plenty in my own consciousness.
Except where I see opportunity where I can help aid or provide healing – then, it parts way for me as targeted and changed to positive productivity.
But, in order to maintain proper focus, this means I must self isolate. Too many polar influences try to conscript me.
I just haven’t met enough people who share similar values and morality to where I feel reinforced and that it is safe to relax again.
I find moments of clear brilliance, and step from one – leaping across darkness — to another.
I get distressed working within confines of time if there are many things I need to be doing, or places I need to be going.
Once I am in the groove of where I need to be in any given situation, it is easier to relax and focus.
It is the winding up and coordinating many plates a’spinning that now overwhelms me.
Mainly, because they are all important – and I feel too much pressure to be choosing them all.
I used to work and pile-manage like a rockin’ “Type A,” disguising my “B.”
Now, I realize I am a “Type C” – yet, am struggling to find a new balance.
Maybe I am frazzled from longterm crisis management.
(Title of multiple meanings)
It is frustrating to be a healer and not have other healers be able to address my needs.
They just don’t know my techniques.
I am going to try training a friend of mine to help me, because I discovered yesterday just how much pain my fascia is holding.
I also realized that I cannot start training my tiny core stability muscles until I first get the larger muscles strengthening.
This is odd to me, because I usually approach training from tiny muscles to large.
But, my fine fiber fascia already has too much load being placed on it.
After trying to work it yesterday, today is as if my nerves are screaming.
But, if and when they occur, I try to curb them – immediately.
Sometimes, knowledge is learned by accident, if I have had no prior experience.
Then, I make adjustments to correct given situation.
“Necessity Breeds Invention.”
Many people are choosing to live with positive intention.
When I desire something that is being resistant, I work on other aspects in life to strengthen my position.
My mother was the first to step out proud and strong to raise an independent generation.
It is too easy for one partner or both to take the other’s needs for granted, once “locked in” to this system.
And yet, without this type of commitment, it is too easy to take things lightly and give in to self indulgences.
Will the Angels chide me for not having crossed more lines – for not having experienced things that they can only view from veiled boundaries?
Or will they welcome me home as one of the valued – having ranked as a higher form of human?
I will prove it to myself.
When you are a force for Good, the Angels watch and listen.
It tears me up to do the calculations, to see the damage that forces I had nothing to do with – Pandemic, idiocy, and poor government management – have wrecked upon my finances.
This is not an accurate reflection of me nor my abilities, but a testament to my sheer strength of will and determination to overcome and improve our life – no matter imposed, arbitrary dictates.
Whether by “Right Timing,” “Guidance,” or my own intuiting, I have developed an unwrapping-of-tension-patterns therapy that is succeeding.
My beloved told me I have real good in me, genuine and true.
But, what good has this brought me – except the good that I do?
Climbing up into a tree, perching and watching everybody – wondering when it is safe to come down.
They tell me not to want or look for the one who would catch me.
I don’t know what he’d look like, anymore.
I descend, run awhile, and climb – looking for my welcome shore.
Senses Need Stimulation.
I do everything the “hard” way.
The most difficult part of all was realizing I could not trust anyone, despite my own dependability.
A lifestyle for others who are not seeking what I seek.
I must look to where I am going – not where I have been.
By word, thought, and deed.
Dynamic personalities see my strength and think I can take the hits they throw at me.
No.
No, I can’t.
Get off of me.
Thank you to my friend for the mind sensory and emotional bombardment that for a few weeks made me feel unalone, yet realize that I do prefer the calm, constructive management of independence – rather than the swinging ups and downs of others’ raw chaos.
Why do these invade and the positive ones evade?
Exactly how do I shift my paradigm’s attraction?
I realize now that he and I may be two halves of a whole, born of the same starseed mother, as mirror reflections of each other.
As I wrote and thought this, the clock turned to 12:21am – “Hah!”
It is sad to learn that I was merely a surface for someone to project upon.
I am regaining flow of efforts between pushing myself, and easing down to unwind.
I had moved the abdominal machine into the inside of my bedroom’s boundary, which shoved it into a dark and cramped corner, making it hard to access and depressing to use.
I figured out yesterday what was bothering me about it, and revamped my room’s enclosure to where the machine is back at open access in the front room, facing outside to look through curtains, should I want to.
Things look more bright and airy.
There’s a bird that’s just flown in, chirping outside our building!
Witnessing the recent volatile vagaries in fellow humans, I will not be inviting many (if any) to our home.
It is something uniquely defined for each individual.
“Positive growth and collaboration.”
My PT listened to me when I explained I knew what I needed, but couldn’t find anyone to train to give my shoulder the therapy.
He pulled from his tools techniques congruent to my preference – and wherever I guided and he tried, I could feel my muscles responding!
Candid Corvid Productions 