Category: Stream of Thought

I have got to get back into an established office environment and into tutoring individual students.

Working on my own is an “extra” bonus, and requires my feeling grounded!

If he and I have similar core values.

If we love the world with open hearts, a passion to care for it, and a desire to see it positively flourish.

If we have a flare for the dramatic and enjoy honing in on the little details and improving our skills.

Are our differences of much magnitude?

Or do our philosphies bridge for maximum mutual engagement?

Why is it that wherever I look,
Something rings clear as you –

Especially in times of doubt
When I could flounder about?

All I know is that somehow
You’re positively reinforcing

My efforts when I could
Give up on my endeavors.

One of my case workers asked me what “reward” I would give myself after completing certain important tasks.

At the time, I could think of nothing, for things I would like are a massage to relax my tense muscles, or time in a raquet ball court by myself to meditate and work built-up energy out of my system for rebooting – both of which require money.

Well, they would be the rewards I would desire, you know? Some experiences to boost my sense of being human.

But tonight, as I continue working on applications, I will “settle” for a bowl of iced-over, stale Rocky Road ice cream with added walnuts, and not reacting to vexation until after I’ve submitted these documents.

Reward and self discipline.

“Poor” me.

I had to scramble to find a gas card from a helping agency, and luckily, we may qualify to keep our housing.

I have to use the last of our money to pay for my unrepaired car to be towed long distance by our returning to my parents’ property immediately so they don’t junk it and throw away the last of our belongings.

I pushed back to let me finish cleaning, so they have the place ready for the next tenant and don’t feel the need to sue me. I will have to take pictures to prove I did my duty because they never gave me a final walk through.

It becomes more and more clear why my self worth has been impacted. A child needs parental approval and amicable cooperation – at any age. Not threats and assumptions you have no morality.

That, I am.

I do not like this game where people pry at others’ weak spots and insecurities in an attempt to upend sense of security and manipulate their obeisance.

It’s a cheap-shot cheat around engaging in honest communication and putting in the needed effort it takes to achieve collaborations.

This approach is degrading to the person it is inflicted upon – and quite honestly, doing this to another person is deplorably self indulgent, and just plain lazy.

Any gains now only create greater losses in the future, for a relationship built on such negative behavior is doomed for eventual failure.

I found out today that, even more, it seems our landlord is a solid gold person.

This doesn’t mean that she is perfect, but that she recognizes what’s important.

She gave me her support and gave the go ahead that we can apply for assistance.

A rare gem – indeed: shrewd, insightful, and compassionate.

It was nice that she was nice.

I could concede she was “ideally” perfect.

But, it didn’t need to be in my face that my ex preferred it.

That which keeps one on the edge of their seat and in a state apart from inner peace.

I can no longer take baths – in fact – stopped as soon as I began.

Whatever resealant was put on the bath tub to cover past damage and make it look nice again keeps getting reactivated by heat from warm water.

The gasses then being released smell strong and toxic.

In person, I can’t stream forth poetry:
My process must unfold more privately.

Two females are different from two males in bonding.

Between females, there may be power struggles and competition.

Whereas two males focus more on having fun as cohorts.

Maybe that’s why I’d prefer to run with gentlemen.

I don’t think I could make you happy now, if we were married.

What was there years ago between us may no longer exist by how both our paths keep diverging.

Or maybe this is the issue: I keep changing.

My life has been so tumultuous, and any land I touch is an abrupt push up against the sand – only to be swept out to sea again.

I’d like to be able to say that it is “my fault,” for then I could “take responsibility” of changing these events.

But, I’m caught by an undercurrent’s riptide, determined to slosh me around its pathways.

If I knew how to break free from it, I’m no longer sure that I’d do it.

Does it have a destination in mind for me?

Will there come a right time to exit?

Am I the first of 50 to be 30-40?

I need to stop telling people my age when networking.

They immediately begin thinking I’m getting ready for retiring!

I look in the mirror and see the “damage” I am still fighting, including my eyesight lagging.

But, these had clear causes – they are not from my body breaking down as it ages.

Oh Crap.

Is it one of my jobs to enlighten people about what next is coming?

Humanity is due for a conceptual revolution because we are living longer with health’s full capacities.

I am not sure how I should think about a relationship where part of me is attracted, part of me says, stay cautious, another part says not likely, and a fourth values the person as mentor, peer, and friend.

I guess the only answer is, “it’s complicated.”

They say that “it’s the little things that count.”

This is because important little things often symbolize things that are greater.

My youngling’s coat perched on the kitchen chair.

This is three steps away from the front door.

The car is six steps away, further.

And now the car is – at max – ten minutes away from his brighter future.

It wasn’t that long ago his jacket on our kitchen chair only meant a cold winter.

A tiny sip of hard apple cider, mixed into iced, pure peach-mango juice is the only “hit” I need to feel my body warming.

I finally found the source of electronic wire burning: I managed to melt my long corded phone charger last night, when the phone plug portion got stuck under my heating pad.

Score another point for the team – Woooooo!

At least I still have the short one my father gave me and can keep networking.

I’ve begun working on my abdominal and core strength, again.

I look back at this last month, realizing how hard its been while sick and overcoming as I networked for income.

No real days off, it seems.

It amazes me that it took two weeks to no longer feel contagious, and that two weeks after this, I am still feeling quite “woggy.”

I had to laugh after calling gyms today for their pricing: one required a membership fee of $450 just for joining!

So, it’s back to home remedies, as usual, for me.

I’m starting out at strength regaining, slow pacing.

Good and bad memories play key importance in our lives.

I capture some and post them here because I can not carry all of them in silence.

If they were still part of a skein that was proceeding, that would be one thing.

But, many that I cherish would fade away if never framed because they have been cut off from the chain of new experiences.

If I cannot prevent losses despite “vision” because others feel forced to march to a broken system, then it is the programming of the system that must be changed.

For I do not ask for more than the average person here on earth needs to achieve their desires – and we are all restricted by pain caused by incongruent messaging.

Rules and regulations are only good if they best serve individuals, as well as community.

Constraints for the sake of “control” are only damaging.

I reconnected with a beloved person who told me when she dies, she wants her body to be eaten by wild animals to become one with the forest.

I asked her, “But, wouldn’t that teach them to eat humans?”

An example of how we can easily flow into and through any topic, and of how my heart automatically seeks to preserve innocence.

I’ve fallen in love with a character.

More so because the person who brought him to “reality” in the way that caught me is here on earth and alive today.

If I let thoughts of this phenomena affect me, a fever takes over.

It’s beyond a mere crush – more of a soul’s aching.

I am drawn to the source of light which made the character Live.

I didn’t know the character existed before then, so I guess it’s a “double whammy.”

Is this tragedy, or blessing?

Well…

I have to remove my other ad now because men are propositioning me.

What does the number 1133 mean? According to Trusted Psychic Mediums, the angel number 1133 is a message from the divine that the future is bright and exciting. With the number 1133, angels encourage people to live their lives with enthusiasm and passion.

https://thewordcounter.com/meaning-of-1133/#:~:text=What%20does%20the%20number%201133,lives%20with%20enthusiasm%20and%20passion.

These brief moments are all we have to cherish love, together.

If I cannot be myself when in partnership, I’d rather keep my own council and stay single.

I’m heading someplace, but I’m not sure where.

I reach for it, strive for it – stretch beyond comfort for it.

I feel blinded, hindered, and weighed down by the trials and incidentals I keep tripping over along the way.

Yet, still, it draws me forward, tingling my senses with its persistence.

COVID, accidents, struggles, delays.

Cold, infection, toilet backspraying into face.

There is this idea that advertisement will gain you clients calling.

When I turned off the ad and its support components, over 50 people had seen me.

Only one had attempted to contact me.

The bill would be for “clicks” – not sales contracted.

Yeah, I had to put a stop to that accruing – immediately!

I canceled the marketing ad I had posted online.

I can’t afford paid advertisement with a minus-budget.

The idea one can have a productive and happy relationship.

The idea one could obtain a job and gain any security.

The idea the unemployment system will help us.

I can adapt to needs, as long as relationship is solid.

Putting out an ad when the income isn’t flowing is very frightening.

I’ve had clicks, but the set up enmired communication from an important client, which it seems I’ve lost.

I called customer service this morning and fixed the issue.

But, still…that one client could have covered the cost!

And I missed the chance to help someone who reached out to me.

I am by nature an innovator and niche creator.

Moving to a town that was 30 years regressed in social acceptance and openness to new ideas and inclusiveness was the most difficult thing for me.

Being stuck there with no way to escape was alarming.

It challenged and compressed my psychology, turned me inward too extremely – and nearly against myself – with all of the negative messaging I kept picking up on empathically.

The only allowance was that I was one of those who lived in deep poverty. Agencies accepted me as another person in need.

Appreciated, but yeck! I am meant for more.

There was no safe forum for my creative and nourishing expression to manifest externally.

But, because I am a positivist, I kept thinking the problem was me, and that somehow it was my fault that I kept “failing” to achieve.

Oh Lord-Up-In-Heaven, never-ever let me go through something like that, again!

Tonight is my first time of taking a bath in our new tub.

It is deep, slanted for good drainage, and luxurious – with water cold to hot, and/or scalding.

Ahhhhhh…Sweet Heaven’s Sending!

Oh! And the end is angled back smoothly for ease of relaxation!

Obligatory payment made annually under Islamic law on certain kinds of property and (donations) used for charitable and religious purposes.

From Oxford languages

I try to find the positive in any situation.

I don’t have to like what is happening, and I don’t have to agree with the outcome.

But, if I can glean any wisdom, then I can at least gain some compensation if there’s loss.

It’s even better if the experience is wonderful – and I get to keep having it!

There are a lot of “now(s)” in my writing.

Maybe because I’m fighting to be here, in the present.

It is nice to not have something constantly pounding on my system.

This cold has had me for over three weeks – and I’m just beginning to reboot from it!

I try to let myself sleep in when I can, and if my body will let me.

But today, even though rest hours were less than eight, I feel energy pulling me forward to get into the shower and greet the day’s movement.

I have no specific plan, except to pursue loose ends and expand marketing.

But, it’s as if something is calling me forward to what’s important.

Art is not a competition, though another’s work may inspire one to strive for new levels.

My empathy takes in deep impressions, especially if I relate to others’ work.

Therefore, I only allow myself brief glimpses through their windows.

Psychology is a delicate thing.

I overly push myself, so must be careful.

Rather than frontloading, I’ve begun abs on one machine.

Then following, I roll my back over the bolster.

It is said that Eve was made from a rib of Adam.

So, why do I feel a tug from my right ribs near solar plexus?

Instinct is telling me to pay attention.

When I ask, it feels like someone I’m attached to.

Crumbling onto sheets: buttery vanilla fused with melting chips of chocolate and toasted walnuts.

I didn’t have them before, as opportunities were few.

I kept planting seeds, but the ground was not fertile.

I find myself at times wondering and worrying over people I meet.

There is a discerning community here – and for this, I am grateful.

I am relearning that I am a productive, contributive human being.

I just needed to get away from all of that negative reinforcement.

They have a view parents cannot easily see, due to your own life’s experiences.