Category: Stream of Thought

It must not matter anymore what critics would say, for clearly they would lack my personal vision.

Leaning in to push against internal resistance.

English and Anatomy.

There’s a wild creature inside of me, tapped into my passions and drinking – growing stronger as each day passes.

She wants to tear out from this skin of conformity and roam the world while learning, growing, contributing, and conquering the fear that keeps her from insatiably experiencing all of the good that life has to offer us as humans.

As if from the Ringworld Series by Niven, when I feel that I or my family is in danger, my body thickens and goes into warrior-class mode.

If I became leaner, I worry I’d become more “wicked” in fighting and life strategies.

What then would my identity be?

Unproven by societal rote standards, but just as – if not more so – relevant.

When I assert something, I still consider other views.

We are all learning and evolving, and may need to adjust how we are comprehending.

That said, I can be incredibly stubborn: you try being a vessel to contain life’s waters within!

Aquarius is the “water bearer,” and I take emotional responsibility seriously.

Luckily, I’m on the cusp of Pisces – so I also love to “swim!”

I sometimes strongly feel like I am either a throwback to an old – or herald to a “New Age.”

Being caught is the raw slew of things going awry makes it difficult to present one’s self well.

I wish that when we had spoken, there had been time to ask for and share clarifications.

Taking time to know each other by asking questions and exploring seems necessary.

Systemic terror that one cannot escape and will be trapped in purgatory, forever.

They call it nervous exhaustion, as if those who contract it have something lacking in their composition.

But, no.

It occurs when one has endured too much – and the system just finally needs a break from struggle.

Aching and groaning with every movement as extend to function attempts to give complex.

Once attention is called to them, they tend to dissipate.

My youngest and I were talking about why I might be feeling things more intensely, and processing on deeper levels to where it feels distracting.

“You have more autonomy; this is the first living situation you’ve had as of late without extended family’s pressure.”

One fire extinguisher for kitchen grease; two regular extinguishers for other rooms; and two fire detectors and 2 carbon monoxide detectors (which I just learned need to be placed close to ground or waist level).

Perhaps this is even more elusive than money.

I just saw a post on Instagram with a family of a mother and daughters who have “Rapunzel” hair.

It was well put together and wanted to take me on a journey of visuals and their family’s story before revealing an answer to me as to what caused their gorgeous hair to grow as such.

I don’t like that kind of manipulation where I am supposed to allow myself to get lured into their tale – ever waiting for the punchline.

I feel conscripted, at least partially lied to, and held in suspension for however long they want to keep me there – against my will – as I’m waiting for the source of success to be revealed.

Look. Just give me the answer – straight up – and let me decide if I want more information.

I would enjoy the journey much more immensely and not feel resentful for the teller taking my time.

If I want the drawn-out experience, I will read – or even write a book.

For example, put something with a headline like, “Man resurrects after dying: cat immortality DNA fragment known as C-9L (Cat Nine Lives) is now found transferable to humans.”

Uh, yeah – gonna read about this one, no matter how cheesy the science is!

The point is, the answer I want is right there, freely offered. Now I’m intrigued and want to hear the entire story!

It turns out that the man inhaling his cat’s hair left on his pillow (the cat had previously slept there) while sleeping was the vector.

(FYI: I made up this story, so don’t go looking for an article 🤣)

Chrissie Hynde, Meg Ryan, and Michelle Pfeiffer – to name a few.

These have been some of my favorite women performers – and later in life, they each had work done on their faces (as far as I know).

This was done to make them feel better about themselves, and/or to keep them continually “marketable.”

I am not discounting their validity, I am just lamenting the loss of each one’s originally unique beauty.

It was part of why I really liked them.

Perched again above the shoppers, this time I am able to look down and observe them passing by as singles, two’s, or small groups.

I am happy for the couples, yet find I cringe as remember incompatible dynamics and the hard work I put in for bridging.

The hope that I had and diligence; the telling myself good messages when lacking reciprocation; and the effort it took to keep my vexation from pushing my emotions into a tailspin were draining.

I find that I’m relieved to be out of no-win situations.

It’s time to celebrate and be silly, as “dawn” brings forth a new day.

I found work with a new office and a doctor who has great, effective technique!

Here I give background info, while Instagram’s “mysterious.”

Finding that a gym membership is out of the question and resorting to home exercise, I’ve still had difficulty getting my abs to engage.

But, I just found a thrift store so low priced ab machine that is exactly what I need!

It allows the spine to decompress by letting the lower body hang to one’s comfort preference and to swing up and back and angled sideways naturally.

Arms anchored and stabilized, this will also increase strength in once-compromised shoulder structure.

It seems meant for me!

Just one store, which used to be of only sports supplement focus, now carries health supplements.

I walked in to check it out and compare to previous version elsewhere experiences.

Immediately I found that the owner carried astragalus tea, emu oil capsules, inulin powder, Zand’s zinc with elderberry losenges, Lifetime Cal-Mag, and arnica gel.

Usually, I have to travel all over the place to find each individual item – or even shop online.

For such a small venue, it seemed designed for me!

I am used to helping others in need, but it’s hard to help myself when I’m the one affected.

I must not worry too seriously: healing is not always pretty – nor easy.

They say there is beauty in the damage, that fierce resilience has a destiny.

But, they don’t talk about the disappointment in one’s self – no matter how valiant or proven – when you can’t stop how surviving against odds just wears on you..

I would think it should be different: there ought to be immediate rewards and release from sense of internal imprisonment.

Not this lockdown still enacted, once I’ve reached new ground.

I should feel proud – not hollowed.

Being in love is fun and much safer at distance than living with someone and having mutual happiness resisted.

I have an interview this weekend!

The man I’d worked for who was younger than me and beginning to fret about his age and graying hair became angry when he asked and found I did not dye my color.

He hid it, but I could see it added to his list of resentments, as if he had something to prove against me. Perhaps it added to the fact I had avoided his desire for an affair…

I can’t believe in it.

It is ever shifting like the wind – as ready to embrace me as to leave me in doldrums, without a boat to paddle.

He’d have to be more solid than me and willing to help flood me with his inspired vitality.

I’m whisped like a ghost without a body, barely tethered to my own while defensively maneuvering.

I have got to get back into an established office environment and into tutoring individual students.

Working on my own is an “extra” bonus, and requires my feeling grounded!

If he and I have similar core values.

If we love the world with open hearts, a passion to care for it, and a desire to see it positively flourish.

If we have a flare for the dramatic and enjoy honing in on the little details and improving our skills.

Are our differences of much magnitude?

Or do our philosphies bridge for maximum mutual engagement?

Why is it that wherever I look,
Something rings clear as you –

Especially in times of doubt
When I could flounder about?

All I know is that somehow
You’re positively reinforcing

My efforts when I could
Give up on my endeavors.

One of my case workers asked me what “reward” I would give myself after completing certain important tasks.

At the time, I could think of nothing, for things I would like are a massage to relax my tense muscles, or time in a raquet ball court by myself to meditate and work built-up energy out of my system for rebooting – both of which require money.

Well, they would be the rewards I would desire, you know? Some experiences to boost my sense of being human.

But tonight, as I continue working on applications, I will “settle” for a bowl of iced-over, stale Rocky Road ice cream with added walnuts, and not reacting to vexation until after I’ve submitted these documents.

Reward and self discipline.

“Poor” me.

I had to scramble to find a gas card from a helping agency, and luckily, we may qualify to keep our housing.

I have to use the last of our money to pay for my unrepaired car to be towed long distance by our returning to my parents’ property immediately so they don’t junk it and throw away the last of our belongings.

I pushed back to let me finish cleaning, so they have the place ready for the next tenant and don’t feel the need to sue me. I will have to take pictures to prove I did my duty because they never gave me a final walk through.

It becomes more and more clear why my self worth has been impacted. A child needs parental approval and amicable cooperation – at any age. Not threats and assumptions you have no morality.

That, I am.

I do not like this game where people pry at others’ weak spots and insecurities in an attempt to upend sense of security and manipulate their obeisance.

It’s a cheap-shot cheat around engaging in honest communication and putting in the needed effort it takes to achieve collaborations.

This approach is degrading to the person it is inflicted upon – and quite honestly, doing this to another person is deplorably self indulgent, and just plain lazy.

Any gains now only create greater losses in the future, for a relationship built on such negative behavior is doomed for eventual failure.

I found out today that, even more, it seems our landlord is a solid gold person.

This doesn’t mean that she is perfect, but that she recognizes what’s important.

She gave me her support and gave the go ahead that we can apply for assistance.

A rare gem – indeed: shrewd, insightful, and compassionate.

It was nice that she was nice.

I could concede she was “ideally” perfect.

But, it didn’t need to be in my face that my ex preferred it.

That which keeps one on the edge of their seat and in a state apart from inner peace.

I can no longer take baths – in fact – stopped as soon as I began.

Whatever resealant was put on the bath tub to cover past damage and make it look nice again keeps getting reactivated by heat from warm water.

The gasses then being released smell strong and toxic.

In person, I can’t stream forth poetry:
My process must unfold more privately.

Two females are different from two males in bonding.

Between females, there may be power struggles and competition.

Whereas two males focus more on having fun as cohorts.

Maybe that’s why I’d prefer to run with gentlemen.

I don’t think I could make you happy now, if we were married.

What was there years ago between us may no longer exist by how both our paths keep diverging.

Or maybe this is the issue: I keep changing.

My life has been so tumultuous, and any land I touch is an abrupt push up against the sand – only to be swept out to sea again.

I’d like to be able to say that it is “my fault,” for then I could “take responsibility” of changing these events.

But, I’m caught by an undercurrent’s riptide, determined to slosh me around its pathways.

If I knew how to break free from it, I’m no longer sure that I’d do it.

Does it have a destination in mind for me?

Will there come a right time to exit?

Am I the first of 50 to be 30-40?

I need to stop telling people my age when networking.

They immediately begin thinking I’m getting ready for retiring!

I look in the mirror and see the “damage” I am still fighting, including my eyesight lagging.

But, these had clear causes – they are not from my body breaking down as it ages.

Oh Crap.

Is it one of my jobs to enlighten people about what next is coming?

Humanity is due for a conceptual revolution because we are living longer with health’s full capacities.