I am not sure how I should think about a relationship where part of me is attracted, part of me says, stay cautious, another part says not likely, and a fourth values the person as mentor, peer, and friend.
I guess the only answer is, “it’s complicated.”
They say that “it’s the little things that count.”
This is because important little things often symbolize things that are greater.
My youngling’s coat perched on the kitchen chair.
This is three steps away from the front door.
The car is six steps away, further.
And now the car is – at max – ten minutes away from his brighter future.
It wasn’t that long ago his jacket on our kitchen chair only meant a cold winter.
A tiny sip of hard apple cider, mixed into iced, pure peach-mango juice is the only “hit” I need to feel my body warming.
I finally found the source of electronic wire burning: I managed to melt my long corded phone charger last night, when the phone plug portion got stuck under my heating pad.
Score another point for the team – Woooooo!
At least I still have the short one my father gave me and can keep networking.
I’ve begun working on my abdominal and core strength, again.
I look back at this last month, realizing how hard its been while sick and overcoming as I networked for income.
No real days off, it seems.
It amazes me that it took two weeks to no longer feel contagious, and that two weeks after this, I am still feeling quite “woggy.”
I had to laugh after calling gyms today for their pricing: one required a membership fee of $450 just for joining!
So, it’s back to home remedies, as usual, for me.
I’m starting out at strength regaining, slow pacing.
Good and bad memories play key importance in our lives.
I capture some and post them here because I can not carry all of them in silence.
If they were still part of a skein that was proceeding, that would be one thing.
But, many that I cherish would fade away if never framed because they have been cut off from the chain of new experiences.
If I cannot prevent losses despite “vision” because others feel forced to march to a broken system, then it is the programming of the system that must be changed.
For I do not ask for more than the average person here on earth needs to achieve their desires – and we are all restricted by pain caused by incongruent messaging.
Rules and regulations are only good if they best serve individuals, as well as community.
Constraints for the sake of “control” are only damaging.
I reconnected with a beloved person who told me when she dies, she wants her body to be eaten by wild animals to become one with the forest.
I asked her, “But, wouldn’t that teach them to eat humans?”
An example of how we can easily flow into and through any topic, and of how my heart automatically seeks to preserve innocence.
I’ve fallen in love with a character.
More so because the person who brought him to “reality” in the way that caught me is here on earth and alive today.
If I let thoughts of this phenomena affect me, a fever takes over.
It’s beyond a mere crush – more of a soul’s aching.
I am drawn to the source of light which made the character Live.
I didn’t know the character existed before then, so I guess it’s a “double whammy.”
Is this tragedy, or blessing?
Well…
I have to remove my other ad now because men are propositioning me.
What does the number 1133 mean? According to Trusted Psychic Mediums, the angel number 1133 is a message from the divine that the future is bright and exciting. With the number 1133, angels encourage people to live their lives with enthusiasm and passion.
These brief moments are all we have to cherish love, together.
If I cannot be myself when in partnership, I’d rather keep my own council and stay single.
I’m heading someplace, but I’m not sure where.
I reach for it, strive for it – stretch beyond comfort for it.
I feel blinded, hindered, and weighed down by the trials and incidentals I keep tripping over along the way.
Yet, still, it draws me forward, tingling my senses with its persistence.
COVID, accidents, struggles, delays.
Cold, infection, toilet backspraying into face.
There is this idea that advertisement will gain you clients calling.
When I turned off the ad and its support components, over 50 people had seen me.
Only one had attempted to contact me.
The bill would be for “clicks” – not sales contracted.
Yeah, I had to put a stop to that accruing – immediately!
I canceled the marketing ad I had posted online.
I can’t afford paid advertisement with a minus-budget.
The idea one can have a productive and happy relationship.
The idea one could obtain a job and gain any security.
The idea the unemployment system will help us.
I can adapt to needs, as long as relationship is solid.
Putting out an ad when the income isn’t flowing is very frightening.
I’ve had clicks, but the set up enmired communication from an important client, which it seems I’ve lost.
I called customer service this morning and fixed the issue.
But, still…that one client could have covered the cost!
And I missed the chance to help someone who reached out to me.
I am by nature an innovator and niche creator.
Moving to a town that was 30 years regressed in social acceptance and openness to new ideas and inclusiveness was the most difficult thing for me.
Being stuck there with no way to escape was alarming.
It challenged and compressed my psychology, turned me inward too extremely – and nearly against myself – with all of the negative messaging I kept picking up on empathically.
The only allowance was that I was one of those who lived in deep poverty. Agencies accepted me as another person in need.
Appreciated, but yeck! I am meant for more.
There was no safe forum for my creative and nourishing expression to manifest externally.
But, because I am a positivist, I kept thinking the problem was me, and that somehow it was my fault that I kept “failing” to achieve.
Oh Lord-Up-In-Heaven, never-ever let me go through something like that, again!
Tonight is my first time of taking a bath in our new tub.
It is deep, slanted for good drainage, and luxurious – with water cold to hot, and/or scalding.
Ahhhhhh…Sweet Heaven’s Sending!
Oh! And the end is angled back smoothly for ease of relaxation!
Obligatory payment made annually under Islamic law on certain kinds of property and (donations) used for charitable and religious purposes.
From Oxford languages
I try to find the positive in any situation.
I don’t have to like what is happening, and I don’t have to agree with the outcome.
But, if I can glean any wisdom, then I can at least gain some compensation if there’s loss.
It’s even better if the experience is wonderful – and I get to keep having it!
There are a lot of “now(s)” in my writing.
Maybe because I’m fighting to be here, in the present.
It is nice to not have something constantly pounding on my system.
This cold has had me for over three weeks – and I’m just beginning to reboot from it!
I try to let myself sleep in when I can, and if my body will let me.
But today, even though rest hours were less than eight, I feel energy pulling me forward to get into the shower and greet the day’s movement.
I have no specific plan, except to pursue loose ends and expand marketing.
But, it’s as if something is calling me forward to what’s important.
Art is not a competition, though another’s work may inspire one to strive for new levels.
My empathy takes in deep impressions, especially if I relate to others’ work.
Therefore, I only allow myself brief glimpses through their windows.
Psychology is a delicate thing.
I overly push myself, so must be careful.
Rather than frontloading, I’ve begun abs on one machine.
Then following, I roll my back over the bolster.
It is said that Eve was made from a rib of Adam.
So, why do I feel a tug from my right ribs near solar plexus?
Instinct is telling me to pay attention.
When I ask, it feels like someone I’m attached to.
Crumbling onto sheets: buttery vanilla fused with melting chips of chocolate and toasted walnuts.
I didn’t have them before, as opportunities were few.
I kept planting seeds, but the ground was not fertile.
I find myself at times wondering and worrying over people I meet.
There is a discerning community here – and for this, I am grateful.
I am relearning that I am a productive, contributive human being.
I just needed to get away from all of that negative reinforcement.
They have a view parents cannot easily see, due to your own life’s experiences.
The worry that someday they might also become a threat.
Getting into the swing of things, chasing down the details, and networking for marketing.
Hey, I know this!
Just hadn’t done it in the health field since the 90’s!
My husband won’t be coming home.
A cup of warmed up, organic, canned peas, and maybe some glove box, left over gluten-free crackers – if I’m lucky.
$150 left =
2 used car tires
100 business cards
Dog pain prescription
I need to diversify to ensure stable income.
Climbing up the face of reality, ascending to prove I am capable and willing to myself and whomever can see me.
I see it easily in others, but have difficulty measuring my own because I don’t look like the standard mode.
Never an easy blow to take.
Vision distortion from pressure on my brain’s balance regulator disrupts perception – magnified by scattering thought patterns.
Short-term memory is impacted.
People take drugs for this sensation – while I push hard against it to keep my marketing and functioning moving forward.
Give me a break, already.
Grrr!
Telling myself that I will go out and buy alcoholic apple cider from that lovely, back-lit wine display actually mitigated hindbrain’s hammering.
Just knowing there could be an “out” for me to disrupt this overstimulation is apparently half of the battle!
Just give me a full-bodied, mellow apple cider alcoholic drink, and I’ll make that roast with vegies – and call it A Sunday!
Enough said.
When survival is a daily struggle, there is no calm to change behaviors.
There is no consistency to implement new patterns.
There is no funding for a selective diet – no brain capacity to keep yammering hunger quiet.
There is no access to support of a trainer.
No one will be there without a retainer.
Embarassment is high as you return products that don’t work when you still need that money.
When survival depends on readapting, it’s near impossible to improve bodily functioning.
Contradistinction
Candid Corvid Productions 