At least before, I could go out and bring in my own money.
Category: The Accident – As Of 10/10/25 Early AM Named “Clyde” (Short For Collide) Because It’s Funny And I Deserve Mirth At Its Expense
Calling It
I have no choice but to withdraw from most of my retraining courses.
Hy-Po-Thal-A-Mus!
I name you thus!
Now stop making me so darn dizzy and dis-co-ord-i-nat-ing!!!
Antibiotics
So fun how their poisoning makes the trembling nerve misfiring worse!
“Uncharted” Territory
I know what and how it all happened and am experiencing effects of the injuries, but it is difficult to gain others’ cooperation to look for and find what I “see.”
Word of the Day: Hypothalamus
Your hypothalamus, a structure deep in your brain, acts as your body’s smart control coordinating center. Its main function is to keep your body in a stable state called homeostasis. It does its job by directly influencing your autonomic nervous system or by managing hormones.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/22566-hypothalamus
Deeper Within
For as much as I am reaching out and overextending to keep and make more connections, I am retreating ever deeper inward, farther away from the Light.
Maybe the Light is actually comprised of darkness, combusting and regenerating, sparking its emittance at such a high rate that we do not see its core is the source.
“Have Fun”
The lady said as she signed off from our phone call, forgetting she was speaking to someone struggling to keep her family housed.
Mental Fatigue
Done with trying to accomplish.
Little Light
As she slipped and fumbled
To regain ground lost to her,
Demons grasped to prevent
Her escaping their influence.
Sabotaged
I am bardly hanging on to my retraining studies, and feel my tenuous grip slipping.
The Spins
Dizzyness akin to being flushed down a toilet and wondering where I’ll end up at out the other side.
(Welcome To The Machine – Pink Floyd)
Stepping Back
It is very difficult for me to allow someone other than myself to control the helm, for I have been the captain that I can count on.
It’s Easy To Fall
But can you fall gracefully?
Com Si Com Sa
Some doctors say “yes,” and some say “no.”
Either you are injured or “it’s all in your head” depending on where you go.
Fallacy
They say that “Life is out to get us.”
From what I’ve experienced, it’s people.
Nature has always been kind to me.
In One’s Prime
Why is it not enough to have given as I have, and why is more blood price demanded?
Shutdown
The more it squeezes, the harder I push.
Insane Cackle
Five months, man…five months I’ve been waiting for that Speech Therapy!
Let It Be Rerouting
I am starting to misplace, misidentify numbers
Yesterday, while applying for clothing asssistance, I forgot my phone number when time to write it on the application.
I just stared at the page, drawing a mental blank when trying to bring up its imagery.
When the kind assistant read back the number to me for confirmation, I had to laugh – flustered – and confess that this was the first time this was happening.
I couldnt “see” in my mind the number was correct – that place that says “yes” in thought was just an empty room in my middle brain.
All I had was a hint of whispering memory at the forefront of my brain that led me.
Object identification regarding shapes and number relations creates visual tangling and brain into limb shutdown response.
This is why I need Speech or other therapy.
The effect has been worsening since I ramped up classes dealing with programs and equipment details in an effort to gain as many skills as possible before forced to stop.
Adding to this, I have ramped efforts into career search and networking on my own, so no wonder I’m hitting gaps in thinking.
Further, my brain was switching phone number digits this morning while noting voicemail message details.
Now my hearing is mistranslating!
My brain needs time to rest and recover, but I am not sure how to find apace to grant it.
Mirages In The Wind
“We can help you over here! Oh wait, we can’t.”
The Eye
“How’s that tiny needle apurature snugging as you try to pass through it, mein camel?”
Hilarity
Vocational Rehabilitation can not work with me and give me services of Speech Therapy because I have not been cleared for work.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Hee! Hee! Hee!
As usual – it’s up to my own innovating.
“Again?”
Twitch
I would like to force them all back with a flick of my wrist and a huge blast radius.
I could gather energy as unassailable intelligence and eradicate assaulting targets.
“I’m going to have to go with Wrath,” retaliated Mal to the Operant in the movie Serenity.
But I can feel these puppet string reactions pulling at me from their various directions.
“If you believe in morality and justice, you must act or be discounted – fight or flee.”
How do I just wiggle out of these traps and follow the moon and sun until I am free?
The Maze
Having chosen a path less traveled where tools are given by button pressing (though traumatic brain injury gets in the *&@#<% way of comprehending ease of use for functionality), this wily mouse is on the scent for something other than the usual entrapment of cheese while quivering from the “experiments” done to her body.
Of Frying Pans And Fire
As long as I deal with the insurance company on my own, they will talk with me and offer a pittance resolution if I sign off any further claims and ignore their willful harm to me.
If I get a lawyer, I must sign all control over to him to represent me, but the process will take longer, and as of yet, he has not explained what I get in return for relinquishing.
I would like to have a third option, one that lifts me safely and securely from this scene.
Between The Lines
One agency says they do not believe I am injured – using this claim to cut off support.
Another agency says that they cannot help me because I cannot yet return to work.
The one to help with retraining says they can’t help until my doctor releases.
The agency to help due to medical needs says “again ask the other agencies.”
Intervention
I had asked for help in my past situation.
I now have to work with methods given.
Self Doubt
It can tear a person apart.
Luckily, I am used to it.
(Too Much Information – The Police)
“Voices” In My Head
People given unchecked autority
Who should not be given authority
When they have used it to cause harm
Should not have any rank in my own head
Aftecting long after their presence.has fled.
Eye Tracking
This is part of the tangled brain’s system.
Difficulty is ikely due to nerve compression.
This makes it hard to navigate career retraining data collection / interpretation.
Doing the work, itself, is not the problrm.
And yet, the extreme vexation from visual overload and brain mis-signaling is vexing.
Which burns limited tolerance capacities.
Retraining Micro Tissues
As no therapy yet has addressed the overstretched support tissues surrounding my nerves and I am still denied boon of receiving help from neurology specialists, I have embarked upon my own form of torture therapy.
I have cushioned, rubber flip flops that are firm enough in the surface area of my thongs to rock my imbalance all over the place, causing my limb and torso muscles to shake and wuiver and my vertigo to swing extreme range.
Well…
Even though this alarmingly increases nerve compression and resultant referential numbness spreading, what else can I do while waiting and deadlines keep crushing?
Crimped
But not built to quit.
Brain Trauma
It’s actually quite funny how everyone keeps expecting that I can still do everything.
Even I still keep pushing to make “the impossible” happen.
Gritting Teeth
I want my independence back.
Nerve Damage
Somewhere inside I’m crying:
I can feel far off wailing keen
For try as I might toward recovery
Progress delays by still yet unseen.
Self Representation
I will likely just handle arbitration without a lawyer.
I have done it before and I am not asking for much.
Just what I am rightfully due.
Just what is Just.
(Help Me Lose My Mind – Disclosure)
Arbitrary Arbitration
There is a fine line to walk here.
If I obtain a lawyer, my insurance company will no longer be allowed to speak with and/or assist me in the process.
I am not surprised at the timing of all of this, though. Especially as it is poised to disrupt me on the verge of succeeding in retraining.
“At fault” coverage is dwindling, so my insurance wants to cut further payouts before they can no longer recoup this funding.
3rd Party Bias
Of course, the actual facts of the matter did not pursuade the doctor to change her position.
To do so would be to admit her error, and to acknowledge error would damage the 3rd party’s reputation for dislodging insurance recipients from their valid claims.
I wonder what the actual percentages are for the 3rd party ruling in claimants’ favor.
A Philosophy For Living
I could not have said this better…
Pep Talking
The Ugly Truth
I dreamed some friends set up time and place, and next thing I knew three clients were lined up, happily anticipaing to see me.
However, the most that I could do to get ready was some light and careful straightening up – and then I realized, “wait a minute.”
Despite the discomfort and embarrassment, I had to tell each one that there had been a mistake and that my friends should not have called them.
No matter how much I long to help, no matter how much I want my capabilities restored, and no matter how much I need the money, I just can’t help people in this way for now, anymore.
Triangulation
Extrapolating where I might encounter true essence of self is akin to a gamr of “hide and seek” in the delayed process of my recovery.
(Unaffected – Hoobastank)
De-Spite
I will keep pushing against these limitations and barriers to my recovery which I have not caused, yet are being deliberately added to by other parties’ dishonesty.
Candid Corvid Productions 