As I thought would happen, the 3rd party doctor who was not listening to my current symptoms and was looking for any reason to discount what I was saying filed against my continuing to receive support. She was even reluctant to do a physical assessment, shrugging and saying “well, let’s go through the motions” – and then not even following through with any real testing!
Category: The Accident – As Of 10/10/25 Early AM Named “Clyde” (Short For Collide) Because It’s Funny And I Deserve Mirth At Its Expense
“3rd Party Visit Recovery”
Emotional Release
When I felt crushed after the 3rd party doctor exam to “verify my continued disability,” I found a secluded office alcove where a chair sat in diffused, bright sunlight.
I had to let myself just stop and shake out the sensations and their implications, holding my forehead between fingertips with arms supported by high-sided leather.
As tears rolled down my cheeks unbidden, frustrated by event’s embarrassment, I quietly sobbed folding into myself as my brain swirled in churning confusion.
Then anger arose to defend me, to lift and surround encircling: the dragin within awaking to protect this vulnerable child.
(Sex, Drugs, Etc. – Beach Weather)
Meaning
“It’s what we choose to do regarding the effects of events which gives them purpose.”
The Concept Of Suing
“Why would I wish to ruin another person’s life because they have “ruined” mine?
This grabbing at each other in ‘taking’ for restoration/compensation repositioning is not a real state of justice – nor restitution.
Accounting for ‘loss’ by causing more loss energetically propagates loss in the system.”
Affection Reception
“Due to pain and muscle overstim with lockdown, can I even feel pleasure of physical connection anymore?
In stating this, two cats and a dog come up to greet me and be petted while purring, rubbing against, and leaning into me.
Maybe part of the issue is that I’m moving too fast to soak in time with those who love me.
I am also having to manage too much performance pressure.”
A Certain Grace
“I am resistant on some very importantly personal things, until I can find my own way.
Like holding my reactkons at bay, so the shock of ‘impact’ doesn’t kill me.”
Night Sweats And Hot Flashes
“I guess it’s about time that my body starts processing the injuries.”
Lost In The Timeline
There is a part of me quivering, panicking in my chest:
It is the coordinator – and it is overwhelmed by events.
I projected a trajectory – and now I’m it’s gotten thick
Where whirling parts and pieces press me to the quick.
Being On Time
Implies being ahead of the game – and being capable of investing resources that I no longer have available to give.
(Coming Undone – KoRn)
Passe
So done with the pain, now.
Highly overrated
Gordian Knot
How do I chop through this beastie?
Spinal Trauma Drama
Alone
On my own
On my own
Alone
Repeat as if
To atone.
For The First Time
Data Gripe
Dissatisfaction with the process and implied outcome.
Leathered Lace
Sinew tightened as jerky cord,
It’s a wonder if any movement.
(Title ref to a Fleetwood Mac song)
Impact Zones
Will holds its own while forces attempt to dethrone inherent right to claim one’s home within mind-body connections
Overstim
Creates an inflexible intolerance of outside influences attempting to manipulate my decisions.
The Night Shift
Groping around for any sense of familarity, she felt confused and bereft because she couldn’t feel how she used to be anymore
Come On
Much of my life seems a continuum of pain, pressure, and pushing forward against odds.
Still On Hold
So far, any attempts to address the injuries to my neck only bring more destabilization with increased pain and nerve flare.
Out Of Body Experience
I try to be present in my body and reclaim internal territory that I have lost.
But it is hard to gain a center amongst so much nerve pain and structural injury.
(Joy – For King + Country)
Dear Alex,
I keep maneuvering to stay within the eye of the storm, but it is difficult to not fear the destructive power raging all around me.
Justice
Sometimes, no matter how much it is greatly needed or wanted, it is better to just even the playing field and restart toward better horizons.
Dear Alex,
I am confused regarding how to manage my situation.
I can’t discern clearly which priorities to focus upon.
They say “look within for the answers,” but I am too bogged down internally.
Or “give it over to a higher power,” but there is not one that I trust implicitly.
I have an external support team, but each person helps with only a fragment of my “dilemma.”
Ultimately, I am the center; the designer; the full weight-bearer.
I am also being argued with where it is not helpful, which is agitating.
Meanwhile, the disruption of the accident has caught up with me regarding finances.
I have been addressing this by staggering bills, but it feels like my grip is slipping – which has been causing me to panic.
While the insurance companies pressure me in attempts to prematurely discontinue responsibility, I also feel my own instincts trying to ramp me back up into going out to make my own money.
This is how I have primarily functioned until the accident: adrenaline bursts into intensive activity, spurring innovation for my family’s continued survival.
But I can’t currently perform in this way in order to overcome the challenges that I am facing.
My mind and body are unable to comply performance-wise – though spirit is struggling to keep willing.
These “multi-verse” pressures are jumbling up my instinctive impulses and skewing abilities to focus on what I can attend to right now.
Time is running out for my somehow being ready for launching into a new career by end of summer, if not forced to do so sooner.
I had hoped to use this recovery time to also finish my script and Bachelor’s degree while proceeding with the career retraining I am already halfway through.
But external resistances have been countering my worthy attempts.
And survivalism again conscripts.
Poverty
Makes it difficult to buy food, pay for (or even find and secure) housing – and definitely forces creativity onto the back burner in the struggle for survival.
Unparalelled
I am beginning to work directly on my injured nec, spine , and leg regions.
Incident On Walnut Sreet
This time, we will not run.
This time, we’ll fight the lion.
Cascade
As yet, there is just no way to stop nor counter the countless miniscule tremors and sudden redirection diversions within my muscular synapses – which makes doing anything quickly or smoothly a bumbling and frustrating venture!
Casting About
As yet, I have no solid idea of how I may reenter the workforce at at least comparable rate of pay to that which I worked hard to earn before the accident.
Keening
I feel it and sense that part of me, gibbering and wailing in my mind at how the accident has bumped me into the ranks of disability.
Slippage
I projected the patterns and recognized this zone I am now navigating could be problematic – but the injuries make it harder to weather.
Transition
I wonder who I could have been, but try to focus on who I will become.
Lag
It occurs to me as I move through this latest phase of having been injured that those many times that I was picked on as a child and called “stupid,” or accused of ignoring subject matter, or not responding quick enough to people’s demands – just not immediately gyrating to their puppetry – was because of multiple bouts of experienced head trauma.
But I was inside here all the while, observing, thinking…
And not allowed any room nor encouragement for reemergence.
Sometimes, I wanted to scream.
Other times, I would just lapse into despondent, drawn out silence.
But always, I was just waiting…
Waiting for my time.
Waiting for safety.
One Notch
Abdominal inflammation now beginning to shift, it seems I have decreased in belt size.
Tangental Thinking
The psychological evaluator suggested after four hours of testing that perhaps, as apparently many females in our society, I had gone through life undiagnosed with ADHD.
I pose an alternative theory: that the mind learns to diverge around repeated traumatic physical and mental-emotional injury for survival of its host body, and alternative preservation of its soul’s integrity.
Mixed Messages
The accident made it impossible to continue im my healing career (at least temporarily) and forced my hand in reaching for my next level of ascension.
But there has been great cost to my body’s well being in pain and damage, which leaves me feelimg as if I have been back-handed and reprimanded.
Sometimes I Feel
Moments of “better.”
Jitters
I had known that my spine was greatly compromised by the accident, but even so, seeing visual confirmation along with evidence of at-that-time spinal chord compression is distressing.
At least I can see that my reactivation efforts have preserved the disk spacing, and that my spinal chord is repairing.
(Walk – Foo Fighters)
“Where Do I Begin?”
Music: “Walk” By Foo Fighters
Note the chainlink fencing…
“Hey, I Needed That!”
“Corben, I-I-I have no juice in my spiiine, Corben!” (Movie “Fifth Element” reference)
L1-L2 disk needs rehydrating, from center-punch rear-ending car accident at a stoplight August 2023.
Spinal Injury
I am missing an important Oreo (TM) cookie double stuff filling.
Here, Now
As the effects of concussion flared their sway upon her brain’s processing capabilities in its next stages of recalibration, she experienced bouts of panic as distortion coated perceptions.
Rallying
To counter the disruptive effects of the accident, I immediately lept back into school, hoping to pull myself forward into a self healing paradigm.
Progress
Some of my muscles are beginning to reactivate!
Ghosts In The Machine
Re-exploring exercises I used to do years ago in hopes that my body will remember and reboot to how its muscles and nerves used to function…
The only drawback is revisiting prior associations.
Candid Corvid Productions 