Category: Altered States

Never stopped, always advanced, beyond tolerances…what exactly was the purpose?

Random things
Random events

They keep saying
We should be linear

Those who adapt to bypass survive.

When I at last had a good teacher in elementary school, my best friend was finally moved to my class after years of our asking prior teachers.

And then I got the green light that I could at last go to the Gate school – but on my own, without her.

So, I didn’t.

I chose to stay with my best friend and not leave her behind.

But I had to leave her behind, anyway, if I wanted to stay with my family.

They moved to the Bay Area before I could graduate from elementary with my best friend, just as that dream was near to our at last having.

I was then put into an elementary school biased against an innocent white girl in the tough Hispanic part of the city.

Because I did not know their lessons, I fell behind in learning as I was bullied.

Yet, somehow, I got transferred in with the Gate class at junior high (which made no sense to me, at that point), where I was always struggling to catch up, was rarely given the help that I needed, and was bullied by both the rich and lower classes because I was different from any of them.

I finally began gaining my stride, literally, when my legs at last began functioning better for running as I grew into my teens.

And by my Freshman year of high school, something shifted in me to where I was able to capitalize on everyone’s social shift when we all had to transfer – and next thing you know, I was one of the pack’s main included.

I soon made best friend’s with the most interesting girl to me at school who had built up a savage reputation for being a ‘cut throat’ that no one wanted to mess with – but who turned out to have the sweetest heart of a kitten and the most generous of souls.

She took me in the night I was beaten and needed shelter to run to.

We planned to go off to college together and support each other pursuing our dreams.

But then I was forced back to my hometown to take care of my grandmother after my grandfather died.

I wasn’t yet sixteen, so had no legal control over my life, and the adults through the school counselor threatened to get my friend in trouble with the law if I didn’t.

I eventually got to graduate high school with my first best friend, though.

This after many more destabilizing events, such as where I left another high school and was couch hopping after being predated upon by men who used to be my grandfather’s best friends.

My great aunt had also been spreading bad lies about me to my grandmother to get her to turn against me while my aunt consumed my grandmother’s resources and waddled about smack-clicking her lips, gums, and teeth (no elaboration!) wondering what was next that she could eat – so it was time for me to fly from that shakey nest, anyway.

One could think life would then stabilize after high school graduation.

I mean, that’s the promise we’re fed during years of conscripted adherence to dumbed down education through childhood, right?

Meet that goal, and you are then guaranteed an established role and acceptance into adult society.

But no, the next stages of encountering bullying – this time in employment settings – then applied.

They say self employment is uncertain with its ebbs and flows.

But I have found that life following societal rules is much more uncertain.

I obtain the most peace when I can self govern and selectively choose who I will interact with and trust to stay by my side.

I remember testing high in elementary school repeatedly from early to later grades, aching to be transferred to Gate classes in a new school for learning advanced knowledge.

But when students qualified, the teachers at my school were then allowed to pick who could go – and when I asked them hopefully each time, they would frown at me and belittle my intelligence, telling me that I was clearly not as intelligent as my test scores showed because I did not do well at extroverted chalkboard performance.

This was due to shutdown from extreme social shyness in groups/public under pressure settings, which they refused to acknowledge as valid.

Between this and abuses in life at that time, it’s no wonder I have always struggled with not feeling good enough for society.

Therefore, I heartily recommend choosing one’s own life path to measurable success by innovative self employment and paid project involvements.

For me, contracting with one client or small group at a time is still proving to be my best and only reliable fallback for income generation.

When I am able to perform the skills.